I have a nature that is open and given. You could say that this isn’t a bad thing, however over the years a certain phrase comes to mind when I think about my nature and that is it’s ‘too nice’. What a horrible phrase, so weak and lame, that’s what I hear and I hate it.
What I have come to understand is at the core of this characteristic of being too nice, is a desire to appease, not please they’re two different things. Appease. Always wanting to neutralise things, keep everyone happy, be diplomatic in disputes. I can define all these traits now because I began to recognise them. I witnessed my decision making play out before me “well I suppose I could… or maybe just for a while…” all the while knowing that the outcome wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but maybe lets see.
Fast forward a few years and I have slowly chipped away at this part of character knowing that it doesn’t serve me and how compromising actually doesn’t always work because all that you are left with, is a dissatisfied feeling, the other party feeling some other way, possibly the same or better.
The thing about this characteristic of being ‘too nice’, is that you can be swayed, steered and let’s call it what it is, manipulated into making decisions that do not best serve you. So as I reflect on this understanding, I’ve realised that due to this tendency to try and accommodate others – often to my own detriment, the only way I can make sure that this doesn’t become a recurring pattern is simply ensure that every decision made is exactly what I want and believe to be correct in that moment.
I’m generous, open and patient, tolerant and humorous, and this isn’t about to change, therefore the only way I can ensure to stay on track is to simply say no when a decision or situation doesn’t feel 100% right for me or is simply not what I want.
There isn’t any room or time for deliberating how I can make this work for many the main person is myself – this is not selfish, it’s having boundaries. As Brenè Brown concluded in her study on compassionate people and that is that they had the most boundaries.
Boundaries are about respect, to quote Brenè Brown again “here is what is ok for me and here is what is not”.
